I’ve been in college for three years now, and you would think I’d get the message.  What message?  Well, let me break this down.

Last night, I saw the Family Guy episode where Brian and Stewie go to college (yeah, one of those Family Guy episodes).  While Brian was hard at work trying to finish college, Stewie became the one absorbed into the college scene.

Point in case, their answer machine message was centered on the fact that college kids have no money and need to use it for books, Ramen noodles and condoms (for the many sexual excursions college folk have).  I’ll take this column to clear the air on this.

First I will acknowledge that we college students do need money for books.  The street walkers we call Barnes and Nobles use us in such a way.

I always love that little sign showing the distribution of their funds from one book purchase.

 It usually says that 60% of the money goes back to the publisher, like he’s some sort of extortion artist not seen since James Bond fought Spectre.

Then the professors themselves think said book is such a great book and filled with so much inspiration, you would be stupid to not pay $120 for it. 

Can you think of how many cans of Pabst Blue Ribbon I could buy with $120?   Thousands, literally thousands!

Professor Sample:  “Seth this book is an investment; it is the potential energy to set you off for a realm of high kinetic energy.”

Seth:  “Investment, eh?  So should I diversify my portfolio with some pharmacy books, maybe some tech books?”

My point exactly.

Now, on the subject of Ramen noodles, let me begin by saying that as an Eagle Scout, many a scouting trips involved eating this low impact camping delicacy.  However in terms of real food, I’d rather eat cardboard than eat Ramen.

I understand that Ramen is so cheap, that for a dollar, Wegmans will give you a whole pallet of this crap, but come on people, if we eat that, then who is going to eat the food at Bon App?

As for condoms … well, seeing that we’re a Catholic college (not one in a Catholic tradition, I mean, we’re St. John Fisher), I’m not going to touch that one.

But the point I’m making here is that as college students we have so many stereotypes.  For guys, we’re all frat guys who dream of new ways to drink beer, maybe experiment with some pot or as adults say “marijuana.”

We men are supposed to be slackers and show support for that collegiate team whilst sabotaging our rival’s mascot or knocking up the starting quarterback’s girlfriend.

For females it’s worse; they usually start experimenting with different men, making themselves street walkers, maybe change their orientation (not that there’s anything wrong with that). 

But at least the women are motivated to prove they need to be better than men, because we men are all about bringing down that mammal with two X chromosomes.

I will say one thing: I think Fisher lacks stereotypes as I think about it.  You look at the halls, and there’s a high school feel to this school.  I mean, a bunch of former ex-jocks, popular girls, dorks, nerds and me, a hybrid of ex-jock and dork. 

This is not an attack on things like the football team eating dinner together. I’m saying that we need that. 

If our linemen don’t have roast beef with one another, how are we going to beat Nazareth at football on Saturday?

What I’m calling for is a call to stereotypes.  We need Fisher fans to harass Corey McAdam, or someone needs to put some sort of waste product in a U of R tuba player’s instrument. 

Girls, you need to lower your standards for one night for guys like me and maybe someone of lesser standing than me. 

We need a crazy dean of students like Dean Wormer in Animal House.   We need frats downing delicious Pabst Blue Ribbon!