Pohorence Potables
Seth wraps up a year of humor and offense

“School’s out forever!”
If you’re a senior, then that’s what you will be saying.  It’s true, but the downside is that there will be no more Potables for you.  That is sad… or maybe not, I won’t judge you on that.  Although for seniors and myself (a non-senior), it is time to reflect on this past year of Potables.
The first edition of the Potables highlighted how amazing roommates can and cannot be.  Some roommates are like Britney Spears when she was every guy’s dream girl, but some are like what she is now; a woman with no sex appeal, a no-talent husband and a career that will soon be relegated to VH1 specials. 
Boy, did I receive a lot of flack for that column.  I got a few e-mails, especially for my treatment of the Murphy community.  I guess those kids did not like me referring to them as the unwanted population of Fisher students.  Granted, it was mean to say and there was no notification of my column being a humorous piece, but people it’s a joke! 
So following that fiasco, all the students in Murphy hate me and I guess I’ll live with it… unless the fate of all human life was based upon Murphy residents of the 2005-06 school year, in which I know I’ll get blackballed into the great abyss of hell.
Following the big build-up of controversy surrounding my first column, I ran a column about my hatred toward Taco Tuesday, which I hope would become an underground uprising similar to the Matrix, including a fight between dining hall workers and the anti-Taco Tuesday crowd in the Ward-Haffey hallway.  However, much to my disappointment, people left Taco Tuesday alone, even though I still hate those tacos.
Also I “ran for office,” or to be more exact I printed a column about my thoughts on issues about the school that need improvement or praise, which developed into an entire section in the paper called “Props and Drops.”  Those two columns were weak and really did not do much for encouraging anger amongst the masses of readers who enjoy my work.
My next big column was the Christmas column, reminiscing of my times of Catholic Church-going and explaining my family’s doings for Jesus’ birthday.  I did not get much love for that and was even told by my superiors that jokes about religion, even Catholicism, would not be allowed in my columns.  
This was bad, especially since my Catholicism was going to appear in more columns.  But from that I learned a valuable lesson; if 7-up is going to be the un-cola, I’ll be the column that is un-Catholic.
Now rather than keep reeling off synopsis on other columns, I’ll field some questions I get a lot.

Writing columns are easy!  Why are yours so not funny and not cool?
Good question.   Um, let’s see, as a newspaper and a form of media, we have ethics and standards.  So pretty much, most of the jokes people write tend to have double entendres or sexual innuendos, and for newspapers, that is a no-no.
My columns get edited, OK, so all the stuff that I thought was not inappropriate actually was, so that’s why they are funny or humorous.  Anyway, if you can tell, I make jokes that are creative and not something I saw on Family Guy or read on College Humor and posted again, therefore plagiarizing.  Anybody could take Chuck Norris facts and make Chuck Norris jokes the entire year and that supposedly makes it funny… well it’s not.  So that answers that question.  NEXT!

Seth, YOU ROCK!
Believe it or not, while this may not be a question, it is a great question that is in the form of a declaration.  Yes, I do rock.  I also jam, rule, am cool, am hilarious, well potty-trained and lead my CYO basketball team in scoring with four points.  Next question.

Did you hit my client with a phone book across the face?
Next question.

What are your plans for summer?
Excellent question, because for a person like me, which of course come few and far between, I do spontaneous things.  In other words, I have no clue.  Mostly, my summers consist of baseball, working a horrible job and reading books to make myself much smarter than my brain is at this current time.  So hopefully something exciting happens over summer so I can write about it next semester for the Cardinal Courier, St. John Fisher’s number one source for news and humor.  The latter would be me.
With that said, I hope all my readers and fans have a glorious summer and come back to Fisher next fall with excitement and a vaccine for bird flu.  For those who hate me, well hopefully your hatred will fade and if that does not happen, well…maybe a bee will sting you or Russell Crowe will come to your house and hit you over the head with a telephone.

Unknown Fisher Fact:  Those really weren’t real questions; those were questions Seth wrote to himself to feel better about writing a lackluster year of columns.

By Seth Pohorence
sap4598@sjfc.edu